One of the topics I enjoy talking about with school and community groups is helping parents reflect on their parenting style. From gentle parenting to free range parenting, there is so much content available about this topic and the plethora of information can be overwhelming. When I talk about parenting style, I like to ground the conversation in research. In the 1970s a clinical and developmental psychologist, Dr. Diana Baumrind, identified three different types of parenting style: authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative (she eventually added a fourth type: neglectful parenting). Very briefly, authoritarian parents focus on rules and boundaries that are enforced ‘because I said so.’ The child’s perspective is not particularly taken into consideration. Permissive parents are affectionate and loving but do not set boundaries and generally allow their children to set the agenda.
The third type, authoritative parents, focus on communicating with their childrenincluding explaining limits and offering opportunities for discussion. They listen to their children’s perspective even when they hold boundaries and are not able to give their children exactly what they want. At its most basic, authoritative parenting involves a balance of connection and structure. Research indicates that an authoritative parenting style is associated with many positive outcomes. Children raised with this balance of warmth and clear expectations tend to be self-reliant, curious, and capable of managing their emotions.
In my practice, I often talk with parents about this balance of nurturing and setting clear expectations. Sometimes parents express worry or guilt about a moment in which they had to set a boundary and their child was frustrated or upset about the limit – perhaps screaming, flailing, throwing objects, and/or saying extreme or hurtful things. It is important to keep in mind that an approach that prioritizes balancing connection and structure does not mean that both of these goals will be achieved in every single moment.
Rather than thinking about whether or not you achieved an ideal balance of warmth and setting boundaries in any single interaction, I encourage you to think about your parenting over the course of a longer period of time, perhaps a week. When you look back over the week, were there moments of genuine connection with your child? Depending on your child’s age, that may look like snuggling, reading books, playing together (whether playing a board game, doing a craft, shooting baskets, or playing ping pong), or chatting during a meal, snack, or car ride. Next consider the times when you upheld structure and expectations in your family. Perhaps that involved making a rule about screen time, enforcing bedtime or naptime, prompting your child to do a chore or fulfill a family responsibility, or reminding your child before entering Target that during this trip you will not be buying a toy. The overarching goal is to achieve a balance of connection and structure over time.
Many parents tend to particularly worry about whether or not they are balancing nurturing and setting clear expectations when they are faced with a child who is having a strong negative reaction to a parent holding a boundary. In these moments it can be useful to have some self-talk scripts to help remind yourself that this is goal that is most realistically achieved over time:
“My child is frustrated that I set a boundary. My job is to offer my calm presence. I don’t need to fix or change anything,”
“My child’s big reaction feels like a lot, but it doesn’t mean that something is wrong.”
“My child is upset about a boundary. That makes sense. It’s ok if they have big feelings about not getting what they want.”
“This is a tough parenting moment and I can get through it.”
An overarching concept to hold in mind is that your relationship with your child is not defined by any single moment. Parent-child relationships inevitably have moments of coming together and feeling close as well as moments of rupture or disconnection. Remember that challenging interactions also provide opportunities to model repair and forgiveness.
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