This week I have been thinking about emotional intelligence and how caregivers can help children develop a rich feelings vocabulary. The ability to identify feelings, both one’s own emotions and the feelings of those around us, is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence. By exposing children to a variety of different ways to recognize and describe emotions, parents can support the development of this skill.
While some children are comfortable when caregivers use words to describe their emotions,some children bristle against parents talking about their feelings. For these children, a parent saying something as simple as, “I wonder if you’re feeling disappointed?” can lead to an outsized negative reaction. What are some ways that parents can support a child’s ability to identify emotions without talking directly about their child’s feelings?
A simple and effective way to build the skill of identifying feelings is to talk about the emotional experiences of characters in books, movies, or shows. Many children and adolescents find it less threatening to talk about the emotions of a third party rather than discussing their own inner world:
“Anna feels so lonely when Elsa stops playing with her.”
“Jack and Annie were really scared when they saw the saber tooth tiger!”
“Ron’s jealousy when Harry is chosen to compete in the Triwizard Tournament has such a big impact on their friendship.”
Similarly, another less threatening way to build a child’s emotional vocabulary is to talk about the emotional experiences of people in their world:
“Our neighbor dropped a whole bag of groceries on the ground this afternoon when she was walking into her house. She was so irritated.”
“Here’s a picture your cousins sent when they earned their new belts in karate this weekend. Looks like they were feeling excited and proud.”
“Jayson Tatum was really angry when the ref made that call.”
Modeling is another effective tool for building emotional intelligence. Caregivers can describe their own emotions in a way that is an appropriate match for the age and developmental stage of their child(ren). When discussing challenging emotions, parents can model using words to express feelings and explicitly talk through the tools or coping strategies they use to support emotion regulation:
“I had a plan to see my friend this weekend but she’s not feeling well. I’m disappointed. I’m going to send her a ‘feel better soon’ text and then see if another friend is available to get together.”
“The sunset is so beautiful this evening. Watching it with you fills me with contentment.”
“I can’t believe we have another leak in our pipes. I’m so frustrated! After the plumber comes I’m going to go for a run so I can get out my stress.”
Another way to support communication about emotions is to have family members who are interested share their feelings weather forecast: sunny, cloudy, stormy, rainy, etc. This can be a simple way for family members to let each other know how they are feeling at the start of the day, after school, or at other transition times. A simple, “Today is a cloudy day for me,” lets family members know that someone is feeling sad or grumpy. This strategy can be helpful for identifying patterns. For example, “I’ve noticed that for the past few weeks Monday mornings have been stormy. I wonder if it would help if we plan to have something special for breakfast on Mondays?” Children who prefer not to share their own feelings weather forecast will still benefit from hearing other family members identify their emotions, share them with people who care about them, and talk about tools for coping with challenging emotions. Over time, this strategy can both improve communication and understanding between family members and help increase all family member’s self-awareness.
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