One of the most frequent recommendations that I offer to parents in my practice is to talk less when a child is flooded with big emotions. This advice sounds deceptively straightforward: the mandate is to simply use minimal language when a child is in the midst of a meltdown. However, anyone reading this who has tried to implement this strategy will know first-hand how difficult it is to put into action.
Often when children are dysregulated, their prefrontal cortex, the part of their brain in charge of executive function, linear thinking, and understanding cause and effect (among many other things), essentially goes offline and the more primitive parts of the brain take over. Under these circumstances, children are unable to process language effectively. In fact, for many children, if a parent talks to them when they are upset, it may have the paradoxical effect of increasing the child’s level of distress.
Why is it so difficult to talk less when your child is melting down? Many adults are highly verbal and are used to solving problems and processing difficult situations through language and conversation. When your child is upset, inhibiting conversation can seem awkward or unnatural and may require making a concerted effort. Typically an adult’s urge to talk to a child who is in distress comes from a place of wanting to comfort their child, to solve or fix a problem, or to explain or defend the reasons behind a rule or boundary. While these are understandable goals, they are unlikely to be achieved by talking to a child who is flooded with big emotions. Instead, try offering your calm, loving presence until your child’s nervous system has settled down. Depending on your child’s age and temperament, this may look like offering gentle touch like a hug or backrub, quietly sitting next to or near your child and possibly offering a neutral phrase like, “I’m right here,” or playing soothing music.
If your child is melting down and you find yourself tempted to use a lot of language, it can be useful to have a script to repeat to yourself as a reminder to use fewer words. For example:
“My child is having big emotions. Remember – talk less.”
“My child is dysregulated. I don’t need to solve the problem. I can just be here and stay calm.”
“Red flag – this is a meltdown moment. Time to use fewer words.”
If you have been reading these newsletters for a while, you know that I advocate using language to talk about feelings and relationships and to build your child’s emotional vocabulary. The recommendations presented here don’t nullify that advice. Rather, I’m endorsing an approach in which parents calibrate their use of language to the moment and plan to use less language in moments of high emotion. If something has happened during a time of big emotion that does need to be talked about, perhaps your child hit a sibling or said something very hurtful, find a time to talk about the situation outside of the moment of big emotions, whether that is half an hour later or half a day later.
Finally, keep in mind that talking less sounds straightforward but can be difficult to implement. This is particularly true if, as often happens, your emotions are elevated during a moment when your child is dysregulated. Please be gentle with yourself and remember that practicing this skill is likely to be a work in progress for quite some time.
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